i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
