So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
