He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
