my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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