Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
