do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
