Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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