My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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