you're like a bully in the Christmas story
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
