i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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