I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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