When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
