It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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