so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
