You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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