drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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