it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
