Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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