You work out of a Hotel?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
