she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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