Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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