what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
