i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
