I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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