Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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