it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
