The maid of honor just puked.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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