not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
