What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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