someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
