i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
