You smell like stripper and shame
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
