Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
