Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
