My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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