when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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