i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
