I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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