someone owes me an orgasm
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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