I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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