Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
