Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
