I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
