She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
