just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
