i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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