i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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