Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
