Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
