yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
