i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
