never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
